Hi friends...
I cannot believe its been more than 5 months since I lost Chris...
Life just is not the same.... Sad moments pop up out of nowhere... And, I often feel that Chris sends me in certain directions... guidance i guess...
Anyways... Every year, the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society (LLS) has a walk... It is called the "Light the Night Walk" and I am a team captain...
The walk is Saturday October 3rd and our team name is GO BIG FOR CHRIS WAXMONSKY
So, far I have 25 walkers plus 5 of my walkers children...
I am very excited.. but would love more walkers...
Also, I have set a team goal of $2500 to fundraise... It is such an important cause and any donations would be greatly appreciated...
Please forward the website to your friends and family.
And feel free to contact me with any questions
I have flyers for those of you who are interested in sending them out or seeing it
The website is
http://pages.lightthenight.org/nnj/Westfld09/GoBigForChrisWaxmonsky
I am still working on the non for profit organization
Talk to you all soon
Jenn
Friday, July 24, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Its Been A Month...
I cannot believe tomorrow will be one month since Chris left this earth...
In some ways, it feels like yesterday... and in some ways it feels like a very long time... I guess that is normal...
I mean, my regular Chris left me weeks before he passed.. and in some ways, he wasnt himself for even longer...
But in other ways, I still want to tell him things... Its the strangest emotion imaginable...
I have been to St Gertrude to visit his grave a few times already. Unfortunately have had other relatives' funerals in the last month too:(
I want to share with you some things that have floated around in my mind since February 13th... I have been asked by an unbelieveable amount of people to continue updating the blog. I understand.. but I am also not too sure what I would say. My feelings are sometimes pretty private... and I am not sure too many people want to hear about my life...
But, I do want to keep Chris's memory alive.
I plan to stay very active in bone marrow donor awareness, cure for leukemia research support, stem cell research advocacy (including political involvement), fundraising, etc. I want to find a way to make my experience beneficial for others... And, I am still figuring out where i want to focus my time and efforts.
It is too soon for that detailed plan...
But, when I do figure it out, I will know its right. I imagine hearing Chris say "Sounds Like A Plan" (getting teary)
Never before all of this happened to Chris could I have ever imagined what its like to have leukemia, or be in a hospital for more than half of 9 months... And although cancer is not cool no matter what kind, this is one that is pretty damn awful.. pretty rotten.. and even for those who beat it, gives many people terrible chronic problems and secondary cancers... Leukemia sucks and more people should be able to live longer after diagnosis...
I plan to be a team leader in October for the Light the Night Walk. Its an annual fundraising walk sponsored by the Lymphoma and Leukemia Society. Stay tuned.. I will be hitting you all up for donations and walking with me...
I also plan to start a NFP for Chris's memory which would be soley to raise money for the Cancer Institute of NJ and the National Bone Marrow Donor Foundation. Without the research done at the Cancer Institute, people like Chris wouldnt have even had a fighting change 10 years ago- there is much more to be done...
I am very very sad that I lost my best friend.. my soulmate. I did not want this to be what happened.. at all. So, I ask myself why I seem ok these days. When I say "OK" I do not mean a regular ok.. but I only cry once a day.. not every hour. I thought something was wrong with me... but the only thing I can come up with is that I am a lot stronger than I ever thought. And, Chris gave me that strength... I gave him the support he needed to fight like the champion he was. He made me so proud and he often told me how proud he was of me. No one can ever explain God's choices. Father Anthony from my church told me on the day Chris died, that God takes only the best... And I truly believe that. Chris was truly one of the best men I ever met. And, the alternative is thinking that there is no God.. but then where would my reasoning be? no where. Plus, when precious innocent children die, like Jeanie & Brian's friends' son Mychal, what else can you think? Angels. I cannot imagine being his mother, nor telling her that he is an angel... Its not right... And, maybe I comprehend the concept more easily because I have faced Chris's death for 9 months.. and have found more faith than ever.. but its still just not right. And, I pray one day we will find out why these things happen...
Chris's passing and Mychal's passing made me talk to my mom about losing her sister when she was 9. I never in 29 years ever talked to her about it (other than the surface facts) and my mom told me personal things I never knew before. Life is really really precious.. thats all I have to say...
If you told me a year ago that God takes the best... I would have laughed.. I would have been unable to relate. I dont know if the pre-Chris Jenn would have ever understood the things I understand now... But, Its been my life. Its part of me.
I am a better person for having Chris in my life. He showed me how a girl deserves to be treated. He gave when he could have been just asking... He cared when everyone cared for him. He loved like no other... and thats a true hero.. he was a hero on September 11th when he was at Ground Zero, but he was a hero in spririt, in who he was...
Chris made it very clear to me that if anything ever happened to him, that he would not want me to stop my life. He said he loved me more than life itself but that I deserve a good life. Of course, Chris also told me he wasnt going anywhere.. And I hoped he was right...
With Chris's journey, I have seen many silver linings. I cannot believe the amount of people who have read my blog. Oh my.. just when I thought I would be far far away from people who knew i was mourning, I would be approached by practical strangers telling me how touched they were by the story.. It was weird at first.. but now I am touched too... I dont know where i found the strength and courage to be as ok as possible for 9 months.. but I did.. and I hope our story can help others in their journeys. And, I think often that maybe I would want to lead support groups for young loved ones.
Silver linings are all over the place. People dont take life for granted after knowing me and Chris. People appreciate each other more. I have learned that mutual unconditional love is a very beautiful important thing. If Chris's illness had made things really rough for years, it was going to be ok... If it meant living in a double wide trailor in Alabama, it would be ok. Chris would be laughing at me right now.. He would laugh and roll his eyes at my double wide references.. but he used to promote modular homes.. so whatever.. lol
Silver linings.. I met amazing giving oncology nurses and ICU nurses.. new friends... people with amazing hearts. Chris truly loved and appreciated his doctors and nurses and techs.. I have a new extended Waxmonsky family.. I will have Waxmonsky brothers forever.. for as long as they will have me :)
And, a Waxmonsky Pop. Chris was extremely happy to have reunited with his dad during this terrible time. Do silver linings make everything ok? Nope.. Things are better in some ways for all sorts of reasons, but it doesnt make what happened to Chris fair or ok. I have Sharon, our lovely chaplain in my life.. and although I thought she would be at my church for a wedding, it was instead Chris's funeral... And, Chris was probably smiling the whole time. I had bagpipes at his funeral. he LOVED bagpipes.. in fact, he has worn a kilt and been to Scotland... and I hope to visit Scotland one day to see what he loved so much
I guess because we had so many ups and downs during his illness, I have had to face possibly losing him so many times and after watching him fight so hard, the faith I had found was there... It wasnt the miracle I asked God for.. but they say some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.... Right? I dont know... If you told me that 2 months ago I woulda said no way... God needs to answer my prayers.. but I have to believe God has better things coming my way. I thought divorce 4 years ago was so awful... and this has taught me that when you can have such love from someone like Chris... life is too short to be worried about people who dont treat you as perfect as you treat them.. Life is precious.. love like no one is watching and do what you want to do...
Chris had a pretty rough life.. Didnt get too many breaks as many of you know. He had no mother in his life since he was 12... and along with other disasters, had a lot of bad luck. He was prone to accidents and had an unsuccessful marriage. Maybe God needed Chris up there and if thats the case, I feel blessed that I got to share a very special year with him. He taught me a lot about love, life and relationships. his experiences taught us a lot too. And, I am glad I was there for him- we were placed in each other's lives. And, I think it sucks, in plain English, that I met "Mr Perfect" and had him taken from me... but if my life is going in another direction, I accept it, and I think my angel is going to send good things my way. I hope the "Plan" is that I will find love again, the kind that Chris showed me exists... I now have an angel .. my own personal angel... So i am behaving!
I visited the hospital 2 weeks ago. Chris had asked me to buy the head nurse Mary Kate a gift (she is due March 24th or so). I had the gift in January and never got to give it to her.. so I brought it to her and my mom came with me. It was strangely ok being there. They were like our family for a long time and its almost comforting to see them.. They gave us as much of a home as possible when we couldnt be home... I got to see Tanya ;) And Jen and other special people..
I actually have a letter I havent finished yet to all the nurses with special memories but I havent gotten myself together enough to finish it and send it...
What gets to me the most is not the sadness of me losing Chris, but the thoughts of Chris loving life, the sweetness he added to my life and memories of him being silly... I see things he loved and I smile or tear up, depending on the mood...
I torture myself with cds I played while he was dying. Our songs.. The song he sang to me.
If you want to join me in my sadness and memory of him, play YOU SAVE ME by Kenny Chesney.. That was how he felt about me..
Or, WHO YOU'D BE TODAY by Kenny Chesney about dying too young..
I STILL MISS YOU by Keith Anderson.. Yea, I can relate to that one...
HOME by Daughtry...
Sometimes they help me though... Its strange...
I am going to be seeing Kenny soon.. never saw him live.. and I want to... Chris is supposedly watching me, so I should atleast bring him to a concert..
Chris always said what great friends I have and he was sooo right. I am soo blessed... I am surrounded by girls who are as good as sisters.. and I have met even more great people in the last month...
One of my closest friends from high school Christine S lost her mom days before Chris died... Our family friends: Kathy, Eileen, and Nancy lost their mom 2 weeks ago.. and my godmother lost her dad 2 weeks ago. I think Chris has met them already... Jeanie's little 2 yr old cousin got diagnosed with childhood leukemia (ALL) right after Chris died.. Please pray for little Logan...
I am so happy that I hear from Tom, Brian, Lew, Matt, and Danny regularly... I love those guys and what makes me sad is that Chris loved them sooo much and wanted to badly to have his family back.. Chris would have been the best dad... He took care of his brothers when he was younger when mom wasnt around.. and he loved kids ... was a natural with them... not a typical guy... He loved Olivia, Haleigh, Dylan, Ben as much as I do... He loved my friends and family genuinely...
If Rex is getting into trouble, I swear Chris is taunting him.. I wonder where he is everyday.. but I am ok. I get sad when I remember silly things like how he wanted to try eating strawberries after transplant cus he thought maybe his allergy went away... or how when he couldnt walk on his own, he would stand up with my help in the hospital and hold onto me and hug me.. and how one time he joked that we were dancing and wiggled his butt a little... Or when I think about how he never got to one last Devils game ... or how he couldnt eat for a few week and just wanted some water or coffee so bad... Those are the things that really get to me... Or how he wanted to just go home and lay in his bed. When I think about his little requests and wants I could cry.
I am finally almost done with thank you cards... and I have CDs of his fave music for those of you who want a copy...
For those of you who want to donate in his memory, we ask for donations to be made to the Cancer Institute of NJ. Little Albany Street. You can make donations in his name on the website or send me a check and I can take care of it for you....
Thanks to those of you who did donate already
I also copied the Blog in its entirity onto a Word doc for easier reading.. Its 160 pages or so!
Lastly, when Sharon was preparing for the Eulogy, I sent her a bunch of stuff about Chris to help her with compiling... And, I have copied and pasted a bunch of what I said below: If its repetitive, I am sorry but I just dont have it in me to do any more editing...
I will never forget meeting Chris in East Windsor when I was dog sitting... My headlight was out, as many of you know... and when I got into a car accident last week (and broke my toes) the bumper was damaged but the headlights were fine. It made me chuckle... He replaced all the lights and they were untouched in the accident
Ever since then, we would say "You had me since 'your headlight is out'" instead of "you had me from hello"
Chris had a bunch of sayings he used often...
"Workin on it" "Sounds like a plan" "lets do it" Go big or go home"
All of these remind me of him whenever I hear them...
When he was just wanting to sleep.. nurses would ask him if he was ready for meds or whatever and he would be a trooper and say "lets do it" or when he would be trying to get himself up ... "workin on it"
Lets not forget the "No holes in my colon, dear jenny, dear jenny" song.. Back in November when Chris was in ICU before we even knew if he would get to transplant.. he was so excited with the catscan results.. and i had no idea there was a hole in my bucket song... chris was sooo cute when he sang it...
Chris always told me I leaked when he saw me crying... so whenever i got leaky in front of him, i could play it off as being over emotional and being sad that he wasn't home yet... but really, i was scared to death and heartbroken watching him feel so crappy
.. I leaked a lot these last couple weeks...
When I met Chris.. before he was sick... he told me he hadnt seen most of his family in 10 years.. and yet whenever he spoke of them, i knew how dearly he missed them and loved them. He told me how he took care of the little ones since he was the oldest of 7...
When Chris was first diagnosed, he was at JFK Hospital, and he felt like maybe it would help bring his family together and cause some good. Little did we know how much sicker he would really be
He was so strong. when he came to Robert Wood, he was told me was a very unique case.... and that he would be in medical books... he was like "i want to be interviewed. if i can help others, that is great"
I dont know where he found his strength.. but he was my rock and therefore i was able to he his even though i leak a lot ;)
Chris was obsessed with technology
He loved fixing computers, building them, fixing things in my house, with my tv, etc...
He was a part of a radio network-- he would program his radios and scanners and listen to the emergencies in nearby townships.. and i honestly started liking it too.. i kinda miss those calls
Chris must have switched his cell phone model 6 times in the last year... he drove me nuts
My parents adored Chris as much as he adored them... As soon as they found out he was sick, they let him move in with us... My mom loved her like her own son -- another Chris, since i already have a brother chris
Before Chris was sick, he was moving and needed a home for Rex the cat. My dad was alergic, but agreed to try it out... and just like a blessing, no allergy... Chris told me he thought it would make my parents happier and closer.. and he has them wrapped around his paws... Chris was right
I was allergic too when i first met chris.. but after a couple months of suffering, my allergy went away too... Funny how things happen
My dad, post Budweiser employment, told Chris he needed to get better so they could make beer at home together... Chris said "sounds like a plan" Chris was one guy my parents not only loved, but loved so unconditionally and quickly
When Chris was in ICU briefly after transplant on Christmas Eve, Chris had been given a dose of his favorite dilaudid, so was quite groggy.. but when he woke, we asked if he knew where he was and who were were ... when he looks at me he says "my other half" and when he sees my mom he says "mom" and its not the first time ... I really feel God brought him to our family on purpose...
My brother and Chris were soulmates too... brothers really... they hit it off the minute they met.
Early on, we all went to dinner and I was the 3rd wheel..
Chris and Chris were bonding over all sorts of similarities.. but when they talked about food, my brother asked if he liked Cheese.. and when the answer was yes and they both agreed how much they loved it, the deal was sealed.. Chris approved of Chris and vice versa....
Rex is my little piece of Chris that he left for me.. Even though we didn't have any kids, I will always think of Chris when I see Rex... as strange as it might seem to some...
When Chris was feeling better in January, he couldn't walk yet but he was so tired of being in the room, so we got a wheelchair, bundled him up and i took him for rides a few times in the hospital... We rolled over to the childrens hospital and all over.. by the fireplace in the lobby..we had our "dates" with hot tea when we escaped the bone marrow unit for our rides... I am sooo happy we were able to do that... so glad... i got him out of that room.. not knowing them that that would be our last dates...
In the childrens hospital, we would put the wheelchair under the giraffe who would tell you how tall you are... Chris wanted to get measured everytime .. our fun
Chris installed his TIVO on 2 of the tvs in our house when he moved in.. and now its not working right... I already need him and he isnt here :( Whenever I watch his sports show "Around the Horn" or hear scanner radios, i will think of him
Oh, a special special outing for us was June 5th.. the night before chris was in the ER finding out how sick he was... we went to a Tim McGraw concert.... We had an amazing time... and little did we know it would really be our last date before all the chaos... we had dates after getting sick, but Chris just never felt like himself.... Tim sings mine and Chris's song "My Best Friend" but he also sings "Live Like you were Dying" and we rocked out to it that night... The next day, it was so real... Chris still wanted to listen to it...
I sang "My Best Friend" to Chris in his last hours a few times... Chris knew i cant sing... and I am sure he was laughing inside when he heard me.. but the words were ours... "we just get closer, fall in love all over, everytime I look at you... I dont know where I'd be, without you hear with me... Life with you makes perfect sense... My Best friend"
There is the story from last week about Chris waking up a couple days after surgery telling me to take $50 to church... and I did... and the gospel was about healing... Mark 1:29-39
Or, when he was not intubated anymore a day after surgery.... and me and mom visited... he was pretty ok.. talking in between dosing off... and when we were leaving he was ok with it.. but asked me for "one little favor before you leave for the night..." I was excited.. i thought he was asking for a hug or something... but no... he asked for a shot of his favorite stuff... dilaudid.... sorta funny... as out of it as he was.. he remembered the drug that made him feel good.. too good... poor guy.. he was probably pretty miserable.. kinda wish we gave him one last shot of his favorite stuff :(
And when it came to Chris's strengh.. his "go big or go home" -- i would be so upset everytime there was a new bigger obstable.. and chris would just say "hey i am going big" He would even say "i dont ask God Why... I just ask Him what next?"
I think by January he might have been done with asking what next.... but he fought ...
My best friend and I visited Chris also a couple days after surgery and he was still confused about his surgery.. didn't remember going to ICU so was asking to go back to 4north... and i reminded him he had surgery... I was telling him to hang in there and that he could punch anyone he wanted when he got out of there.. so he took his fist and made punching motions... that was only a week ago or less... and he was still able to be himself...
Chris gave me more love than anyone can imagine... I wouldn't trade this time with him for the world... he set the bar really high... He showed me what it feels like to be number 1.. a princess... he was truly my rock and i was his... what we had was beyond special.. we wanted to make a difference together... and he told me almost every day that he woulda been in a bar if it werent for me.. he was fighting for us.. and it kept me strong.... Since we met he would say lots of sweet things to me.. but the one i will always remember and the one i said to him many many time before he died was "I love you to pieces..." i will always and forever have a huge place in my heart for my Chris... always...
Also he would get a kick out of my mom's stories.. she would call me to tell me something that Rex was doing and it became a very frequent event.... so he eventually called these stories the "Loretta's Daily REX REPORT" He really enjoyed hearing about what Rex was up to ... and glad he was so taken care of ... even though he said "he's getting toooo spoiled" He did tell me a couple weeks ago that he really missed him
All these months being scared of losing Chris.. it was the scariest thought imaginable... It made me sad... obviously... terrified... this was the guy i could see a perfect future with... he wanted the same things... he was truly my other half... sounds so cliche, but he completed me... i dont know how i could possibly ever find someone as perfect...
Anyways... recently (and even the whole time i was with Chris) I hear friends and family talk about their marriages.. complain about their boyfriends and husbands... and I always thought "wow... Chris is just not like that... Chris is so in-tune with my needs... never hesitated to put me first..treated my best friends like his best friends and it came so naturally to my family to call him theirs." and it sounds so cheesey... but i know how other relationships start... guys try to impress the girl.. but Chris was so genuine... had a natural nurturing personality.. lots of morals... wanted to make a difference in the world with me...
The day before the wake, I was running around doing errands -- getting prints made of Chris for the wake-- etc... and i felt a terrible heaviness in my heart... and i thought about everything... how perfect we were and what SHOULD HAVE BEEN... and how incredible.. and then i thought... gosh.. he was too good to be true... God needed him ... Ever since Chris was diagnosed, Chris and I had a little theme.. "You cannot plan.. just do things that make us happy... you have to... never know whats gonna happen" So, obviously this was God's plan... and Chris is probably ok with this now... he always said "sounds like a plan" -- (although I am sure he misses me and is sad that I am so lost right now)
its so hard for me to say that because I want Chris.. I wanted God to wait longer for Chris and I will be sad for a long time.. but then I think ... you know what... Chris surely was "the best" that Fr Anthony mentioned.. God needs him... and I got the best gift... God brought Chris into my life before taking him.. I got to be treated like a princess by the perfect guy... I am the luckiest girl in the world... If he was gonna have a great relationship and mountains of love before he died, I am glad it was me... and I know Chris was just needed upstairs... but I am blessed because he is mine.. and I have an angel to talk to and guide me through every day of the rest of my life....
And now I am having trouble seeing my monitor because I am crying... and i will certainly have a hard time believing what i just wrote while I miss him terribly over the next "who knows how long"-- but I do believe it and I know how great Chris was... And my experience with him taught me and those around me so much.. he touched so many people... My life is better because of him... i just wanted my better life to include him... I only hope that those around me are surrounded by as much love as Chris gave me...
Thats all I got... Love you all... Thanks
In some ways, it feels like yesterday... and in some ways it feels like a very long time... I guess that is normal...
I mean, my regular Chris left me weeks before he passed.. and in some ways, he wasnt himself for even longer...
But in other ways, I still want to tell him things... Its the strangest emotion imaginable...
I have been to St Gertrude to visit his grave a few times already. Unfortunately have had other relatives' funerals in the last month too:(
I want to share with you some things that have floated around in my mind since February 13th... I have been asked by an unbelieveable amount of people to continue updating the blog. I understand.. but I am also not too sure what I would say. My feelings are sometimes pretty private... and I am not sure too many people want to hear about my life...
But, I do want to keep Chris's memory alive.
I plan to stay very active in bone marrow donor awareness, cure for leukemia research support, stem cell research advocacy (including political involvement), fundraising, etc. I want to find a way to make my experience beneficial for others... And, I am still figuring out where i want to focus my time and efforts.
It is too soon for that detailed plan...
But, when I do figure it out, I will know its right. I imagine hearing Chris say "Sounds Like A Plan" (getting teary)
Never before all of this happened to Chris could I have ever imagined what its like to have leukemia, or be in a hospital for more than half of 9 months... And although cancer is not cool no matter what kind, this is one that is pretty damn awful.. pretty rotten.. and even for those who beat it, gives many people terrible chronic problems and secondary cancers... Leukemia sucks and more people should be able to live longer after diagnosis...
I plan to be a team leader in October for the Light the Night Walk. Its an annual fundraising walk sponsored by the Lymphoma and Leukemia Society. Stay tuned.. I will be hitting you all up for donations and walking with me...
I also plan to start a NFP for Chris's memory which would be soley to raise money for the Cancer Institute of NJ and the National Bone Marrow Donor Foundation. Without the research done at the Cancer Institute, people like Chris wouldnt have even had a fighting change 10 years ago- there is much more to be done...
I am very very sad that I lost my best friend.. my soulmate. I did not want this to be what happened.. at all. So, I ask myself why I seem ok these days. When I say "OK" I do not mean a regular ok.. but I only cry once a day.. not every hour. I thought something was wrong with me... but the only thing I can come up with is that I am a lot stronger than I ever thought. And, Chris gave me that strength... I gave him the support he needed to fight like the champion he was. He made me so proud and he often told me how proud he was of me. No one can ever explain God's choices. Father Anthony from my church told me on the day Chris died, that God takes only the best... And I truly believe that. Chris was truly one of the best men I ever met. And, the alternative is thinking that there is no God.. but then where would my reasoning be? no where. Plus, when precious innocent children die, like Jeanie & Brian's friends' son Mychal, what else can you think? Angels. I cannot imagine being his mother, nor telling her that he is an angel... Its not right... And, maybe I comprehend the concept more easily because I have faced Chris's death for 9 months.. and have found more faith than ever.. but its still just not right. And, I pray one day we will find out why these things happen...
Chris's passing and Mychal's passing made me talk to my mom about losing her sister when she was 9. I never in 29 years ever talked to her about it (other than the surface facts) and my mom told me personal things I never knew before. Life is really really precious.. thats all I have to say...
If you told me a year ago that God takes the best... I would have laughed.. I would have been unable to relate. I dont know if the pre-Chris Jenn would have ever understood the things I understand now... But, Its been my life. Its part of me.
I am a better person for having Chris in my life. He showed me how a girl deserves to be treated. He gave when he could have been just asking... He cared when everyone cared for him. He loved like no other... and thats a true hero.. he was a hero on September 11th when he was at Ground Zero, but he was a hero in spririt, in who he was...
Chris made it very clear to me that if anything ever happened to him, that he would not want me to stop my life. He said he loved me more than life itself but that I deserve a good life. Of course, Chris also told me he wasnt going anywhere.. And I hoped he was right...
With Chris's journey, I have seen many silver linings. I cannot believe the amount of people who have read my blog. Oh my.. just when I thought I would be far far away from people who knew i was mourning, I would be approached by practical strangers telling me how touched they were by the story.. It was weird at first.. but now I am touched too... I dont know where i found the strength and courage to be as ok as possible for 9 months.. but I did.. and I hope our story can help others in their journeys. And, I think often that maybe I would want to lead support groups for young loved ones.
Silver linings are all over the place. People dont take life for granted after knowing me and Chris. People appreciate each other more. I have learned that mutual unconditional love is a very beautiful important thing. If Chris's illness had made things really rough for years, it was going to be ok... If it meant living in a double wide trailor in Alabama, it would be ok. Chris would be laughing at me right now.. He would laugh and roll his eyes at my double wide references.. but he used to promote modular homes.. so whatever.. lol
Silver linings.. I met amazing giving oncology nurses and ICU nurses.. new friends... people with amazing hearts. Chris truly loved and appreciated his doctors and nurses and techs.. I have a new extended Waxmonsky family.. I will have Waxmonsky brothers forever.. for as long as they will have me :)
And, a Waxmonsky Pop. Chris was extremely happy to have reunited with his dad during this terrible time. Do silver linings make everything ok? Nope.. Things are better in some ways for all sorts of reasons, but it doesnt make what happened to Chris fair or ok. I have Sharon, our lovely chaplain in my life.. and although I thought she would be at my church for a wedding, it was instead Chris's funeral... And, Chris was probably smiling the whole time. I had bagpipes at his funeral. he LOVED bagpipes.. in fact, he has worn a kilt and been to Scotland... and I hope to visit Scotland one day to see what he loved so much
I guess because we had so many ups and downs during his illness, I have had to face possibly losing him so many times and after watching him fight so hard, the faith I had found was there... It wasnt the miracle I asked God for.. but they say some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.... Right? I dont know... If you told me that 2 months ago I woulda said no way... God needs to answer my prayers.. but I have to believe God has better things coming my way. I thought divorce 4 years ago was so awful... and this has taught me that when you can have such love from someone like Chris... life is too short to be worried about people who dont treat you as perfect as you treat them.. Life is precious.. love like no one is watching and do what you want to do...
Chris had a pretty rough life.. Didnt get too many breaks as many of you know. He had no mother in his life since he was 12... and along with other disasters, had a lot of bad luck. He was prone to accidents and had an unsuccessful marriage. Maybe God needed Chris up there and if thats the case, I feel blessed that I got to share a very special year with him. He taught me a lot about love, life and relationships. his experiences taught us a lot too. And, I am glad I was there for him- we were placed in each other's lives. And, I think it sucks, in plain English, that I met "Mr Perfect" and had him taken from me... but if my life is going in another direction, I accept it, and I think my angel is going to send good things my way. I hope the "Plan" is that I will find love again, the kind that Chris showed me exists... I now have an angel .. my own personal angel... So i am behaving!
I visited the hospital 2 weeks ago. Chris had asked me to buy the head nurse Mary Kate a gift (she is due March 24th or so). I had the gift in January and never got to give it to her.. so I brought it to her and my mom came with me. It was strangely ok being there. They were like our family for a long time and its almost comforting to see them.. They gave us as much of a home as possible when we couldnt be home... I got to see Tanya ;) And Jen and other special people..
I actually have a letter I havent finished yet to all the nurses with special memories but I havent gotten myself together enough to finish it and send it...
What gets to me the most is not the sadness of me losing Chris, but the thoughts of Chris loving life, the sweetness he added to my life and memories of him being silly... I see things he loved and I smile or tear up, depending on the mood...
I torture myself with cds I played while he was dying. Our songs.. The song he sang to me.
If you want to join me in my sadness and memory of him, play YOU SAVE ME by Kenny Chesney.. That was how he felt about me..
Or, WHO YOU'D BE TODAY by Kenny Chesney about dying too young..
I STILL MISS YOU by Keith Anderson.. Yea, I can relate to that one...
HOME by Daughtry...
Sometimes they help me though... Its strange...
I am going to be seeing Kenny soon.. never saw him live.. and I want to... Chris is supposedly watching me, so I should atleast bring him to a concert..
Chris always said what great friends I have and he was sooo right. I am soo blessed... I am surrounded by girls who are as good as sisters.. and I have met even more great people in the last month...
One of my closest friends from high school Christine S lost her mom days before Chris died... Our family friends: Kathy, Eileen, and Nancy lost their mom 2 weeks ago.. and my godmother lost her dad 2 weeks ago. I think Chris has met them already... Jeanie's little 2 yr old cousin got diagnosed with childhood leukemia (ALL) right after Chris died.. Please pray for little Logan...
I am so happy that I hear from Tom, Brian, Lew, Matt, and Danny regularly... I love those guys and what makes me sad is that Chris loved them sooo much and wanted to badly to have his family back.. Chris would have been the best dad... He took care of his brothers when he was younger when mom wasnt around.. and he loved kids ... was a natural with them... not a typical guy... He loved Olivia, Haleigh, Dylan, Ben as much as I do... He loved my friends and family genuinely...
If Rex is getting into trouble, I swear Chris is taunting him.. I wonder where he is everyday.. but I am ok. I get sad when I remember silly things like how he wanted to try eating strawberries after transplant cus he thought maybe his allergy went away... or how when he couldnt walk on his own, he would stand up with my help in the hospital and hold onto me and hug me.. and how one time he joked that we were dancing and wiggled his butt a little... Or when I think about how he never got to one last Devils game ... or how he couldnt eat for a few week and just wanted some water or coffee so bad... Those are the things that really get to me... Or how he wanted to just go home and lay in his bed. When I think about his little requests and wants I could cry.
I am finally almost done with thank you cards... and I have CDs of his fave music for those of you who want a copy...
For those of you who want to donate in his memory, we ask for donations to be made to the Cancer Institute of NJ. Little Albany Street. You can make donations in his name on the website or send me a check and I can take care of it for you....
Thanks to those of you who did donate already
I also copied the Blog in its entirity onto a Word doc for easier reading.. Its 160 pages or so!
Lastly, when Sharon was preparing for the Eulogy, I sent her a bunch of stuff about Chris to help her with compiling... And, I have copied and pasted a bunch of what I said below: If its repetitive, I am sorry but I just dont have it in me to do any more editing...
I will never forget meeting Chris in East Windsor when I was dog sitting... My headlight was out, as many of you know... and when I got into a car accident last week (and broke my toes) the bumper was damaged but the headlights were fine. It made me chuckle... He replaced all the lights and they were untouched in the accident
Ever since then, we would say "You had me since 'your headlight is out'" instead of "you had me from hello"
Chris had a bunch of sayings he used often...
"Workin on it" "Sounds like a plan" "lets do it" Go big or go home"
All of these remind me of him whenever I hear them...
When he was just wanting to sleep.. nurses would ask him if he was ready for meds or whatever and he would be a trooper and say "lets do it" or when he would be trying to get himself up ... "workin on it"
Lets not forget the "No holes in my colon, dear jenny, dear jenny" song.. Back in November when Chris was in ICU before we even knew if he would get to transplant.. he was so excited with the catscan results.. and i had no idea there was a hole in my bucket song... chris was sooo cute when he sang it...
Chris always told me I leaked when he saw me crying... so whenever i got leaky in front of him, i could play it off as being over emotional and being sad that he wasn't home yet... but really, i was scared to death and heartbroken watching him feel so crappy
.. I leaked a lot these last couple weeks...
When I met Chris.. before he was sick... he told me he hadnt seen most of his family in 10 years.. and yet whenever he spoke of them, i knew how dearly he missed them and loved them. He told me how he took care of the little ones since he was the oldest of 7...
When Chris was first diagnosed, he was at JFK Hospital, and he felt like maybe it would help bring his family together and cause some good. Little did we know how much sicker he would really be
He was so strong. when he came to Robert Wood, he was told me was a very unique case.... and that he would be in medical books... he was like "i want to be interviewed. if i can help others, that is great"
I dont know where he found his strength.. but he was my rock and therefore i was able to he his even though i leak a lot ;)
Chris was obsessed with technology
He loved fixing computers, building them, fixing things in my house, with my tv, etc...
He was a part of a radio network-- he would program his radios and scanners and listen to the emergencies in nearby townships.. and i honestly started liking it too.. i kinda miss those calls
Chris must have switched his cell phone model 6 times in the last year... he drove me nuts
My parents adored Chris as much as he adored them... As soon as they found out he was sick, they let him move in with us... My mom loved her like her own son -- another Chris, since i already have a brother chris
Before Chris was sick, he was moving and needed a home for Rex the cat. My dad was alergic, but agreed to try it out... and just like a blessing, no allergy... Chris told me he thought it would make my parents happier and closer.. and he has them wrapped around his paws... Chris was right
I was allergic too when i first met chris.. but after a couple months of suffering, my allergy went away too... Funny how things happen
My dad, post Budweiser employment, told Chris he needed to get better so they could make beer at home together... Chris said "sounds like a plan" Chris was one guy my parents not only loved, but loved so unconditionally and quickly
When Chris was in ICU briefly after transplant on Christmas Eve, Chris had been given a dose of his favorite dilaudid, so was quite groggy.. but when he woke, we asked if he knew where he was and who were were ... when he looks at me he says "my other half" and when he sees my mom he says "mom" and its not the first time ... I really feel God brought him to our family on purpose...
My brother and Chris were soulmates too... brothers really... they hit it off the minute they met.
Early on, we all went to dinner and I was the 3rd wheel..
Chris and Chris were bonding over all sorts of similarities.. but when they talked about food, my brother asked if he liked Cheese.. and when the answer was yes and they both agreed how much they loved it, the deal was sealed.. Chris approved of Chris and vice versa....
Rex is my little piece of Chris that he left for me.. Even though we didn't have any kids, I will always think of Chris when I see Rex... as strange as it might seem to some...
When Chris was feeling better in January, he couldn't walk yet but he was so tired of being in the room, so we got a wheelchair, bundled him up and i took him for rides a few times in the hospital... We rolled over to the childrens hospital and all over.. by the fireplace in the lobby..we had our "dates" with hot tea when we escaped the bone marrow unit for our rides... I am sooo happy we were able to do that... so glad... i got him out of that room.. not knowing them that that would be our last dates...
In the childrens hospital, we would put the wheelchair under the giraffe who would tell you how tall you are... Chris wanted to get measured everytime .. our fun
Chris installed his TIVO on 2 of the tvs in our house when he moved in.. and now its not working right... I already need him and he isnt here :( Whenever I watch his sports show "Around the Horn" or hear scanner radios, i will think of him
Oh, a special special outing for us was June 5th.. the night before chris was in the ER finding out how sick he was... we went to a Tim McGraw concert.... We had an amazing time... and little did we know it would really be our last date before all the chaos... we had dates after getting sick, but Chris just never felt like himself.... Tim sings mine and Chris's song "My Best Friend" but he also sings "Live Like you were Dying" and we rocked out to it that night... The next day, it was so real... Chris still wanted to listen to it...
I sang "My Best Friend" to Chris in his last hours a few times... Chris knew i cant sing... and I am sure he was laughing inside when he heard me.. but the words were ours... "we just get closer, fall in love all over, everytime I look at you... I dont know where I'd be, without you hear with me... Life with you makes perfect sense... My Best friend"
There is the story from last week about Chris waking up a couple days after surgery telling me to take $50 to church... and I did... and the gospel was about healing... Mark 1:29-39
Or, when he was not intubated anymore a day after surgery.... and me and mom visited... he was pretty ok.. talking in between dosing off... and when we were leaving he was ok with it.. but asked me for "one little favor before you leave for the night..." I was excited.. i thought he was asking for a hug or something... but no... he asked for a shot of his favorite stuff... dilaudid.... sorta funny... as out of it as he was.. he remembered the drug that made him feel good.. too good... poor guy.. he was probably pretty miserable.. kinda wish we gave him one last shot of his favorite stuff :(
And when it came to Chris's strengh.. his "go big or go home" -- i would be so upset everytime there was a new bigger obstable.. and chris would just say "hey i am going big" He would even say "i dont ask God Why... I just ask Him what next?"
I think by January he might have been done with asking what next.... but he fought ...
My best friend and I visited Chris also a couple days after surgery and he was still confused about his surgery.. didn't remember going to ICU so was asking to go back to 4north... and i reminded him he had surgery... I was telling him to hang in there and that he could punch anyone he wanted when he got out of there.. so he took his fist and made punching motions... that was only a week ago or less... and he was still able to be himself...
Chris gave me more love than anyone can imagine... I wouldn't trade this time with him for the world... he set the bar really high... He showed me what it feels like to be number 1.. a princess... he was truly my rock and i was his... what we had was beyond special.. we wanted to make a difference together... and he told me almost every day that he woulda been in a bar if it werent for me.. he was fighting for us.. and it kept me strong.... Since we met he would say lots of sweet things to me.. but the one i will always remember and the one i said to him many many time before he died was "I love you to pieces..." i will always and forever have a huge place in my heart for my Chris... always...
Also he would get a kick out of my mom's stories.. she would call me to tell me something that Rex was doing and it became a very frequent event.... so he eventually called these stories the "Loretta's Daily REX REPORT" He really enjoyed hearing about what Rex was up to ... and glad he was so taken care of ... even though he said "he's getting toooo spoiled" He did tell me a couple weeks ago that he really missed him
All these months being scared of losing Chris.. it was the scariest thought imaginable... It made me sad... obviously... terrified... this was the guy i could see a perfect future with... he wanted the same things... he was truly my other half... sounds so cliche, but he completed me... i dont know how i could possibly ever find someone as perfect...
Anyways... recently (and even the whole time i was with Chris) I hear friends and family talk about their marriages.. complain about their boyfriends and husbands... and I always thought "wow... Chris is just not like that... Chris is so in-tune with my needs... never hesitated to put me first..treated my best friends like his best friends and it came so naturally to my family to call him theirs." and it sounds so cheesey... but i know how other relationships start... guys try to impress the girl.. but Chris was so genuine... had a natural nurturing personality.. lots of morals... wanted to make a difference in the world with me...
The day before the wake, I was running around doing errands -- getting prints made of Chris for the wake-- etc... and i felt a terrible heaviness in my heart... and i thought about everything... how perfect we were and what SHOULD HAVE BEEN... and how incredible.. and then i thought... gosh.. he was too good to be true... God needed him ... Ever since Chris was diagnosed, Chris and I had a little theme.. "You cannot plan.. just do things that make us happy... you have to... never know whats gonna happen" So, obviously this was God's plan... and Chris is probably ok with this now... he always said "sounds like a plan" -- (although I am sure he misses me and is sad that I am so lost right now)
its so hard for me to say that because I want Chris.. I wanted God to wait longer for Chris and I will be sad for a long time.. but then I think ... you know what... Chris surely was "the best" that Fr Anthony mentioned.. God needs him... and I got the best gift... God brought Chris into my life before taking him.. I got to be treated like a princess by the perfect guy... I am the luckiest girl in the world... If he was gonna have a great relationship and mountains of love before he died, I am glad it was me... and I know Chris was just needed upstairs... but I am blessed because he is mine.. and I have an angel to talk to and guide me through every day of the rest of my life....
And now I am having trouble seeing my monitor because I am crying... and i will certainly have a hard time believing what i just wrote while I miss him terribly over the next "who knows how long"-- but I do believe it and I know how great Chris was... And my experience with him taught me and those around me so much.. he touched so many people... My life is better because of him... i just wanted my better life to include him... I only hope that those around me are surrounded by as much love as Chris gave me...
Thats all I got... Love you all... Thanks
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Funeral Arrangements
Sunday Feb 15th Viewing at Costello-Runyon Funeral Home
2-4pm and 7-9pm
568 Middlesex Avenue (Route 27)
Metuchen, New Jersey 08840
732-548-0149 Toll Free 800-522-0149
Funeral Mass at Saint Helenas RC Church
Monday Feb 16th at 9:30am
Grove Avenue
Edison NJ
Burial at Saint Gertrude Cemetary
Inman Avenue Colonia NJ following mass
Repass (lunch after burial)
Metuchen Elks Lodge (around 12noon or so)
All friends and family welcome
2-4pm and 7-9pm
568 Middlesex Avenue (Route 27)
Metuchen, New Jersey 08840
732-548-0149 Toll Free 800-522-0149
Funeral Mass at Saint Helenas RC Church
Monday Feb 16th at 9:30am
Grove Avenue
Edison NJ
Burial at Saint Gertrude Cemetary
Inman Avenue Colonia NJ following mass
Repass (lunch after burial)
Metuchen Elks Lodge (around 12noon or so)
All friends and family welcome
Friday, February 13, 2009
Saddest Day of my life
Chris had so many of his favorite people with him last night...
His dad and brothers.. my parents and brother and our best friends...
Everyone left little by little as it got later last night...
I spent the night with Chris.. it was the worst night of my life but at the same time, I feel so blessed I was there...
I watched as his heart rate got faster and his breathing more difficult... and I sat with him holding his hand and rubbing his arms and face.... he had a short while of more troubled breathing... during the last 60-90 minutes, his eyes were open and he looked in my direction... I got a slight moan from him while I was speaking to him.. I sang our song to him (he knew I couldnt sing.. maybe he was laughing)... "My Best Friend" by Tim McGraw...
At around 5:15am, Chris left us to spend eternity with the angels... I watched as he finally stopped suffering... He finally looked peaceful....
Today, I lost my best friend... the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with and have a family with... He treated me like such a princess... even in his worst days, he worried about me... worried about if my back hurt from sleeping on the couch... and I enjoyed every minute of the time I had with him... God introduced me to him for a reason... And I cannot change the fact that I wanted him forever and did not get my request....
I miss him already and even though I know he is finally not suffering... I wanted a miracle and its going to take me some time to have this sink in... It is much easier to know that this was supposed to happen than it is for my heart to be ok with it...
Dana said I will have quite an awesome angel looking over me forever... I said "I better behave" and she told me "nah, have some fun.. keep him busy" and I think she is right... It will help knowing Chris is with me no matter what I am doing
Well, now that I am balling... I will sign off...
Thank you for reading my novels.. I think I will find a way to continue this blog for Chris....
xoxox talk to you all later
Jenn (& Chris from heaven)
His dad and brothers.. my parents and brother and our best friends...
Everyone left little by little as it got later last night...
I spent the night with Chris.. it was the worst night of my life but at the same time, I feel so blessed I was there...
I watched as his heart rate got faster and his breathing more difficult... and I sat with him holding his hand and rubbing his arms and face.... he had a short while of more troubled breathing... during the last 60-90 minutes, his eyes were open and he looked in my direction... I got a slight moan from him while I was speaking to him.. I sang our song to him (he knew I couldnt sing.. maybe he was laughing)... "My Best Friend" by Tim McGraw...
At around 5:15am, Chris left us to spend eternity with the angels... I watched as he finally stopped suffering... He finally looked peaceful....
Today, I lost my best friend... the man I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with and have a family with... He treated me like such a princess... even in his worst days, he worried about me... worried about if my back hurt from sleeping on the couch... and I enjoyed every minute of the time I had with him... God introduced me to him for a reason... And I cannot change the fact that I wanted him forever and did not get my request....
I miss him already and even though I know he is finally not suffering... I wanted a miracle and its going to take me some time to have this sink in... It is much easier to know that this was supposed to happen than it is for my heart to be ok with it...
Dana said I will have quite an awesome angel looking over me forever... I said "I better behave" and she told me "nah, have some fun.. keep him busy" and I think she is right... It will help knowing Chris is with me no matter what I am doing
Well, now that I am balling... I will sign off...
Thank you for reading my novels.. I think I will find a way to continue this blog for Chris....
xoxox talk to you all later
Jenn (& Chris from heaven)
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Still Hanging
The doctors think Chris's fast shallow breathing is very indicative of whats happening...
They think he might not make it thru the day
Palliative Doctors are involved (similar to hospice)
Chaplain Sharon is still our chaplain thank goodness
Chris's brother Lew and sister in law Jen flew up from FLorida (air force) yesterday and Jeanie, Christine, Christine, mom, dad, Pop Wax, Tommy and Danny and Ronnie and Gary have been here thru the day... Most are still here... my brother just got here
Haleigh came to see Chris.. and Dylan.. so young.. but they came up from DE and Chris opened his eyes when we said Haleigh (5 yrs old) was here... awwww Chris loved her and Dylan so much
Now we are just waiting to see how he does
He would be so happy to know they are planning on moving him to bone marrow unit
They think he might not make it thru the day
Palliative Doctors are involved (similar to hospice)
Chaplain Sharon is still our chaplain thank goodness
Chris's brother Lew and sister in law Jen flew up from FLorida (air force) yesterday and Jeanie, Christine, Christine, mom, dad, Pop Wax, Tommy and Danny and Ronnie and Gary have been here thru the day... Most are still here... my brother just got here
Haleigh came to see Chris.. and Dylan.. so young.. but they came up from DE and Chris opened his eyes when we said Haleigh (5 yrs old) was here... awwww Chris loved her and Dylan so much
Now we are just waiting to see how he does
He would be so happy to know they are planning on moving him to bone marrow unit
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